Promoting Cooperation: Using Emotion Coaching to Get Children to Follow Directions

One challenge that many parents face is getting their children to follow directions effectively. Traditional methods like yelling, threatening consequences, or giving in to tantrums can lead to strained relationships and increased resistance. Instead, one powerful alternative is emotion coaching.

What is Emotion Coaching?

Emotion coaching is a technique developed by Dr. John Gottman that focuses on acknowledging and validating a child's feelings before guiding them through appropriate responses. This approach nurtures emotional intelligence, making children more aware of their feelings and the feelings of others. By fostering a secure, emotionally responsive environment, parents can encourage children to follow directions more willingly.

The Benefits of Emotion Coaching

Building Emotional Intelligence: Children learn to recognize, understand, and express their emotions, leading to better self-regulation.

Enhancing Cooperation: When children feel understood, they are more likely to cooperate with requests.

Strengthening Parent-Child Bonds: Emotion coaching fosters a supportive atmosphere that strengthens relationships.

Decreasing Behavioral Issues: By addressing emotions early, families often see a reduction in tantrums and defiance.

Steps to Implement Emotion Coaching

1. Recognize the Emotion: Pay attention to your child’s emotional state when giving directions. Are they frustrated, sad, or anxious? Acknowledging their feelings sets a foundation for connection.

2. Validate the Emotion: Use phrases like “I can see you’re feeling upset about this” or “It’s okay to feel frustrated.” This shows that their emotions are acknowledged and accepted, reducing resistance.

3. Label the Emotion: Help your child articulate their feelings by providing them with words. For instance, you can say, “It seems like you are feeling overwhelmed. That’s understandable!”

4. Teach Problem-Solving: After validating emotions, guide them towards finding solutions. Ask them questions that encourage thinking, such as “What do you think we can do to make this easier?”

5. Model Calmness: Children often mimic the behavior of their parents. By modeling calmness and understanding, you encourage your child to mirror these actions.

6. Stay Consistent: Practice emotion coaching consistently. The more you employ this strategy, the more effective it becomes over time.

Practical Examples

Here are a few scenarios illustrating how emotion coaching can help:

Scenario 1: Bedtime Resistance

 1. Emotion Recognition: “I see you’re feeling sad about bedtime.”

 2. Validation: “It’s tough to stop playing when you’re having fun.”

 3. Emotion Labeling: “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated about stopping.”

 4. Problem-Solving: “Would you rather set a timer for five more minutes, or would you prefer to read a book together?”

Scenario 2: Homework Struggles

 1. Emotion Recognition: “You seem worried about your homework.”

 2. Validation: “It’s normal to feel overwhelmed when there’s a lot to do.”

 3. Emotion Labeling: “Sounds like you’re feeling anxious right now.”

  4. Problem-Solving: “Let’s break it into smaller pieces. Which part do you want to start with?”

Conclusion

Emotion coaching provides a pathway for parents to connect with their children on a deeper level while fostering cooperation. By focusing on the emotions behind a child's behavior, you not only encourage them to follow directions but also help build their emotional resilience for the future. With consistent application, you will likely find that your child becomes more willing to listen and engage, transforming everyday interactions into opportunities for growth and connection.

By embracing emotion coaching, you’re not just teaching your child to follow directions—you’re equipping them with vital life skills that extend beyond childhood.

-Rashawna Schumacher, LMFT